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Knight’s Armor
Chapter One
There are one thousand. Some sniff the cool, afternoon air. Others writhe effortlessly in the sky. None of them are friendly. They wait near the pinnacle of Candor’s Shield, located in the mountains, for the Commander’s shriek announcing the advance.
Each member received a specific assignment. The target, Boomtown, 50 miles west of their present location. Boomtown is nicknamed for its production of the famous Philico brand boom box radios.
Among the throng, a little being hovers anxiously. She trained with the previous regiment and successfully drove her victim insane. A tall figure wriggles next to the little one. Looking down with its solid, black eyes, she threatens, “Don’t fail or you’ll pay dearly, understand Bulba?” said Sifter.
“I understand,” said Bulba, staring in return. She didn’t like being intimidated by the likes of Sifter, the second assistant. That was Bulba’s job, to frighten. She did not welcome Sifter’s disapproval or her intimidation tactics.
The vaporous figures twisted suddenly and came to attention. With eyes fixed on Commander Planter, they prepared to move out.
“Go!” echoed the long, eerie cry of the Commander. The massive horde of grey beings extended their necks, beckoning the updraft to snatch their large heads into the air current. Bulba joined the throng and collectively, they swarmed toward Boomtown. Their bodies looped and coiled. Rhythmically they pulsated, then glided, then pulsated. Body slots widened, consuming the air, thrusting them high above the rocky terrain.
Gliding over the twin rivers, Bulba glanced over at Sifter, whose gaze was fixed toward the east. The Commander’s first assistant, Lure, chose Bulba for this mission after her last victim ended up in Graceland Sanitarium under a suicide watch. Sifter would know Lure chose wisely after this assignment was over.
The city skyline came into view. To the human eye, the group looked like a dissipating cloud, hardly noticeable in close proximity to the waning sunset. The dwindling pack descended lower and deliberately.
After passing Lake Freedom, Bulba sniffed the air. The insecure strengthened her, and there were plenty of self-doubters in this town. But she must remain focused. She learned that her new target was younger than the one before. It wouldn’t take as long to weaken this one, at least that’s what Bulba believed. She turned right at the Philico factory and slowed down at a tiny row house. Number 1349. She slipped in unseen and unheard through the bedroom wall, straight through the floor, into the living room.
The trickiest part of writing fantasy or sci-fi is getting enough information and back story to your reader. Wanda, I think you’ve done a fantastic job on this. The sense of PLACE is so clear, and while I’m left with questions, I’m not confused. You incorporate the senses of smell/sight/sound really elegantly, too. Good luck! This is a great start!
I love the sense of mystery in this piece–it makes me want to read more. I feel as if I’ve been given a glimpse of a fascinating world. Great job establishing suspense, setting a quick pace, and putting us down in the thick of the action. One thought–the name Bulba seems awkward to me. Maybe think of alternatives?
Wanda, you really do know how to write sci-fi thriller’s. Is this the prerequisite to the story you were working on in class? The way you write still keeps me intrigued to know what”s going to happen next. However, I do agree with Lauren that the name Bulba was a little distracting. Just my opinion. Anyway, can’t wait to read more.
Wanda, there’s a lot going on here that catches the reader’s attention. The scene is set well, there is a lot of action, there is dialogue and a sense of showing not telling. I agree the name Bulba stands out as awkward, but otherwise, it’s a great attention-getting opener.
While this is not the genre I would choose to read, I found it compelling and you engage the reader. Nice going.
What concerns me about the piece are two things–first, there really is a Philco–can you use that without being sued? The senond thing that bothered me was the tense shift … keep it all in past tense. Simple and sure. Oh and the number 50 should be written out as “fifty.”
I say, don’t sweat the nit-pickey stuff, just keep on writing.