sharing your writing can be a scary endeavor. One can be transported to heaven or hell based on one small comment. The trick is to be able to listen with emotions turned off and the writer’s hat on. Remember, no one is criticizing you as a person, rather, your reader is simply reacting to the piece put before him or her. I’ve always had a sneaking feeling that if Faulkner had shared As I Lay Dying with me, I probably would have advised him to look at sentence fluency! So take what makes sense to your muse and leave the rest.

A single dare

Commitment, not the best thing with my track records,
Yeah, I was hiding from, something, but not trust, nor loyalty, but from the possible pain. I can safely say that I am here, as always, to help, to be their when you need a shoulder, a handkerchief, a soul to care, a true person to hold, to support, to be true, to you, for you. I’m not a fake, unlike the flimsy pieces of cardboard called a “man”, not someone who says he does care, but never listens, never there to say good or bad, not there to say “that was funny!”, or ask what’s wrong. But I’m no perfected person with any flaws, which brings me to my first point…I don’t want to hurt you, and that’s all I can think of when with you, I don’t want to be the person who your pillow hates, or the reason your Kleenex box is becoming lighter oh so quickly…I want to be there, but I don’t want to cause a tear in reality that will disrupt life as it is when I need to depart for an eternal time
But that is why I bring about this ultimatum…
I want you, but I can’t let myself hurt you….
Now say, do you think you’re worth this free fall with no parachute?
If so, jump now with me from the sky, and I will fall and float with you until gravity says no more……

not exactly my best work so far

I thought this piece has a tremendous poetic quality about it. The images are strong and provoke the reader’s emotional reaction. As it stands right now, it is a complete utterance. Have you considered making this a poem, or is it the opening to a longer piece? The many comma’s would give you built-in line breaks, and this piece could stand alone and soar!

Refreshing honest and deep. I think this will encourage any woman who has given up on relationships that there are good men out there–not perfect men–who honestly care. I think it would make a great piece for a woman’s magazine. Thanks for sharing.

I like the specifics…”lighter Kleenex box” “someone who says he does care but never listens.” The gem of your writing is in the details. I believe the commas should be edited out with a heavy hand–go with shorter sentences if you need to. The punctuation is interrupting the clarity of thought, not the word images or word selection!

There’s a great deal going on in this piece and I think you should revise it, but keep your stong images–the things that a reader can visulize. I agree with Melissa’s comments–you could do with some dashes. Nice going for a frist drft. Here’s some more to think about.

It seems to me that this wants to be a prose poem, which is not an easy form for any writer–but if you put the piece in the “blocky ” form of a prose poem that ’s already agood beginning. Prose poems go from margin to margin and the lines are justified.

Even if you use a spell check, the error that you made on line four “their” should be spelled “there”–that wouldn’t be picked up by a spell check. Therefore to catch those kinds of errors, you should read your work out loud.

Hope these comments help–they are made for you to consider revision. Emotional and creative wirting comes with a first draft, but it’s the cerebral or thinking process afterward that aids you in revision and can make the piece a winner. Much good luck.

si l’amour est un mot
(if love was a word)

Through these endless days I never really thought about what happened between you and I, a quick ending shot in essence, nevertheless we both felt it for a long time,
I recall the day when I found things out for me, the simple words with little to no definition, until I gave it a purpose…

The dry barks of these trees in this park mixed with the oddly kitschy leaves, although they were usually very beautiful at this time of fall.
I’m sitting here after the longest practice I’ve ever had this year for cross country team
10 miles
sounds like the good old varsity run
I take out my notebook and start writing for the tenth time today, trying to think of words that might have an impact of how you feel of me
but four months of you being my past lover in proportions, things have become strained
then I saw you leave the high school from your practice too
I almost fell down with a sigh so heavy it can lift titanium
So I wrote this, my final entry in this lost notebook
The last note I ever wrote to you,
No matter, you’re still here…
Still here despite our iced words
despite our tears,
Despite the look in your eyes
I can moan and groan and complain about your existence
But you won’t leave my life
It’s all because of how much I cared, and you saw it
I can say the most beautifully hateful things, but you know that it’s a mask…
It hides the guy who used to shine through,
He hides behind it, trying to heal new wounds
Which are mere scrapes of the hollow muscular organ that pumps blood through my body
Nothing that I could not have fixed on my own, but still, my inexperience told me to act in a cursed rejection
I still hold back
For in a very stupid saying
A saying so inept that I can’t imagine that these three words aren’t in exile for the simplicity and powerful meanings.
te quiero
je’taime
Or in a language you can understand
The word meaning a very strong affection, strong liking, something eliciting enthusiasm for you
or in a
no
THE word
Love
yes the one word of all damnation
the word that all the heavens proclaim and the underworld deny
love
it’s what I have for you
no presents
no special jewelry or another trivial item
love is all I have for you
and I hope it’s all you need…

ooooh, I love the image of “Iced words.”
This piece really underlines the pain and passion in young love.