Comments on: From “Vengeance”–a YA novel by Ann Wahlman http://www.screwiowa.com/from-vengeance-a-ya-novel-by-ann-wahlman/ Just another WordPress weblog Sun, 29 Aug 2010 23:33:22 -0500 http://wordpress.org/?v=2.8.6 hourly 1 By: Ann Wahlman http://www.screwiowa.com/from-vengeance-a-ya-novel-by-ann-wahlman/comment-page-1/#comment-68 Ann Wahlman Mon, 01 Mar 2010 14:16:27 +0000 http://www.screwiowa.com/?p=289#comment-68 Thanks for the suggestions! I'm definitely in a quandary over my audience and narrator's voice. I think I may age him up and dumb the language down a bit to appeal to a wider range of ages. I'm really intending this for more mature teens or adults, since there is a pretty graphic murder. Part of my problem is that I'm expecting kids to know language that *I* knew at fourteen, and I think that might be a mistake--my reading level was much higher than my peers to begin with. This excerpt is only the first quarter of the first chapter... Immediately after this excerpt, the reason for adopting Daniel is divulged. I wanted to "hook" the reader before I got into too much detail! There are a few typos I noticed only after submitting the work... it doesn't seem to matter how many times I read something before sending it off, a little monster always comes in and drops in a few typos right before I hit send! The phrase was intended to be: "but caught sight of the shiny black sedan", but your suggestion might work better! Thanks again, and keep 'em coming! :) Thanks for the suggestions! I’m definitely in a quandary over my audience and narrator’s voice. I think I may age him up and dumb the language down a bit to appeal to a wider range of ages. I’m really intending this for more mature teens or adults, since there is a pretty graphic murder. Part of my problem is that I’m expecting kids to know language that *I* knew at fourteen, and I think that might be a mistake–my reading level was much higher than my peers to begin with.

This excerpt is only the first quarter of the first chapter… Immediately after this excerpt, the reason for adopting Daniel is divulged. I wanted to “hook” the reader before I got into too much detail!

There are a few typos I noticed only after submitting the work… it doesn’t seem to matter how many times I read something before sending it off, a little monster always comes in and drops in a few typos right before I hit send!

The phrase was intended to be: “but caught sight of the shiny black sedan”, but your suggestion might work better!

Thanks again, and keep ‘em coming! :)

]]> By: A Reader http://www.screwiowa.com/from-vengeance-a-ya-novel-by-ann-wahlman/comment-page-1/#comment-67 A Reader Mon, 01 Mar 2010 12:57:54 +0000 http://www.screwiowa.com/?p=289#comment-67 I agree with the other readers that if you're bound and determined to write a YA novel you might want to get us more into the head of 12-year-old Jack. Take a look at some of your favorite YA authors and see how they handle the narrative voice. On the other hand, some of the best books for adults are written in this reflective way about children. So if you feel comfortable with this voice, I would just keep going with it and see where the story leads you. It feels authentic to me, and you have definitely hooked me with the unusual situation of the older adopted brother. I agree with the other readers that if you’re bound and determined to write a YA novel you might want to get us more into the head of 12-year-old Jack. Take a look at some of your favorite YA authors and see how they handle the narrative voice. On the other hand, some of the best books for adults are written in this reflective way about children. So if you feel comfortable with this voice, I would just keep going with it and see where the story leads you. It feels authentic to me, and you have definitely hooked me with the unusual situation of the older adopted brother.

]]> By: Nina Romano http://www.screwiowa.com/from-vengeance-a-ya-novel-by-ann-wahlman/comment-page-1/#comment-66 Nina Romano Sun, 28 Feb 2010 19:14:12 +0000 http://www.screwiowa.com/?p=289#comment-66 Ann-- This caught my interest immediatley--a sister and brother awaiting an adopted child, who is not a baby. It spells trouble--a good thing. Why would the parents adopt an older kid when they already had two? And of course the story is: "a stranger comes to town." You have an error in this phrase : "but caught sight out of the shiny black sedan " it sould read--"but, lookig out the window, she cauthgt sight of the shiny black sedan..." or something like that. Something that puzzled me was the language--exactly what age are you writing this Y/ A for? Y/A has come to mean grouping of ages. Some words like "pristine," and "juxtaposed," stopped me, and also the expression "colonial" when referring to the home. Would your readers get these, skip over them, or run for a dictionary? Good beginning--keep going and much good luck. Hope my comments help. Ann–
This caught my interest immediatley–a sister and brother awaiting an adopted child, who is not a baby. It spells trouble–a good thing. Why would the parents adopt an older kid when they already had two? And of course the story is: “a stranger comes to town.”

You have an error in this phrase : “but caught sight out of the shiny black
sedan ” it sould read–”but, lookig out the window, she cauthgt sight of the shiny black sedan…” or something like that.

Something that puzzled me was the language–exactly what age are you writing this Y/ A for? Y/A has come to mean grouping of ages. Some words like “pristine,” and “juxtaposed,” stopped me, and also the expression “colonial” when referring to the home. Would your readers get these, skip over them, or run for a dictionary?

Good beginning–keep going and much good luck. Hope my comments help.

]]> By: Lauren Small http://www.screwiowa.com/from-vengeance-a-ya-novel-by-ann-wahlman/comment-page-1/#comment-65 Lauren Small Fri, 26 Feb 2010 19:42:10 +0000 http://www.screwiowa.com/?p=289#comment-65 Ann, this is a great beginning, filled with wonderful imagery and a set-up guaranteed to hook the reader. The fact that the adopted brother is not an infant but more of a contemporary of Jack's opens up a whole host of questions and plot points to come. I agree that the voice sounds mature, but that can be taken care of by explaining the narrator's vantage point of age, similar to "A Christmas Story" where the narrator is obviously grown but takes us back into the time period he is remembering. Great opener! Auntie M Ann, this is a great beginning, filled with wonderful imagery and a set-up guaranteed to hook the reader. The fact that the adopted brother is not an infant but more of a contemporary of Jack’s opens up a whole host of questions and plot points to come. I agree that the voice sounds mature, but that can be taken care of by explaining the narrator’s vantage point of age, similar to “A Christmas Story” where the narrator is obviously grown but takes us back into the time period he is remembering. Great opener! Auntie M

]]> By: Melissa Westemeier http://www.screwiowa.com/from-vengeance-a-ya-novel-by-ann-wahlman/comment-page-1/#comment-62 Melissa Westemeier Fri, 26 Feb 2010 14:11:54 +0000 http://www.screwiowa.com/?p=289#comment-62 Two things immediately strike me about this excerpt: 1) the gorgeous description--your images are so vivid--a black sedan and white snow--there is a sharp quality to the scene. 2) the narrative voice seems distanced, adult, so I assume this is a story told from the vantage point of adulthood. Jack is very self-aware, his vocabulary extensive for a kid or even a teenager. I wonder if perhaps the POV is too "old" and "wise" for a YA audience. It skews older, but only because of the narrative voice. That said, I am sucked in and would totally keep reading this book! Two things immediately strike me about this excerpt: 1) the gorgeous description–your images are so vivid–a black sedan and white snow–there is a sharp quality to the scene. 2) the narrative voice seems distanced, adult, so I assume this is a story told from the vantage point of adulthood. Jack is very self-aware, his vocabulary extensive for a kid or even a teenager. I wonder if perhaps the POV is too “old” and “wise” for a YA audience. It skews older, but only because of the narrative voice.
That said, I am sucked in and would totally keep reading this book!

]]>